Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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