smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
