I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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