dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
