Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
