Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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