That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
