I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
