i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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