Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
