i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
