as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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