Pregnant stripper...not hot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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