and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
