Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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