dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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