You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize