when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
