look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
