Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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