We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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