Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
