This girl is more easily done than said...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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