Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
