she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
