I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We have so much sex to catch up on
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize