last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
