My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
