my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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