My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
