I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
