Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
