i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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