I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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