We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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