Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore

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(954): View more from Florida

I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"

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(917): View more from New York City

I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.

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(229): View more from Georgia

She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.

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