Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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