my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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