It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
