I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
