Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
