im six kinds of drunk right now
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
40s are totally the cure
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
