it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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