I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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