You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
