do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
