i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
