dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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