when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
