Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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