2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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