even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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