did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
