Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
True strength comes from lack of pants
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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