worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
