cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
