Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
