I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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