Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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