i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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