I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
