Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You made out with two different species that night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize