I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
