The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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