I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
