I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
