Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We don't watch enough power rangers
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize