I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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