I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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