So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
