i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
