I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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